Last night started out great. Hubby wanted to spend his night off going to dinner and just spending time hanging out. I was ecstatic at first, but I think all of the emotions I've held tightly to all week finally just came crashing down around me. I thought I was upset at Hubby, but I know now that I was upset with myself. I am a total control freak. I can't stand being vulnerable and this week left me fragile and unhappy.
I was so used to sharing every single moment that I wasn't at work with Hubby. It's rare for me to go out and then I only go out with my mom and sister. As frustrating and helpless and slovenly as Hubby seems, he's all I really need to be happy. Even though I fumed and ranted at times with his feigned helplessness I think part of me didn't mind being needed. This week when he just suddenly grew wings and was never at home, the walls came crashing down.
I tried so hard to keep it all together. I really wanted to put on a happy face and pretend that it was all okay. I know his job required unbelievably long hours, so I tried to be super wife; cleaning the house, washing his clothes and setting them out, taking out the trash. I couldn't bear to let him see how miserable and pathetic I felt for not being able to go one night without him in the house. I mean, other wives, they deal with crazy shifts and different hours. At one time a few years ago, so did I. I should just be able to adjust and move on.
An hour of tears, a shared shower and a night snuggled in his arms as he assured me that he missed me too and that I wasn't silly or pathetic for getting so lonely, and I was much better prepared to handle this week. We spent about an hour together before he left for work and I hugged him goodbye with only a twinge of angst before he drove away. The house is spiffy again, the dogs enjoyed a long walk, I worked out for a while, read a few pages in my book, and enjoyed the new freedom I have with my menu now that Hubby isn't here with his requirement for dead things and potatoes. He called me about an hour ago just to chat while he drove and I feel much more at peace with things. This might work.
Although... it is just Monday....