Saturday, March 3, 2012

This is the place

For now there are no children in our home. I'm not sure when or if there will ever be any. That is a part of me that I have buried deep for now because the saddness can quickly become overwhelming. That means that I have to make do with just Hubby and me for the moment. Until recently that was almost enough.

This week Hubby got a new job. It sounds so simple, so positive when I write it like that. For me, it's anything but. I guess it really started with Hubby losing his previous job. He worked at home - in our spare bedroom - the one that was supposed to be a nursery. He loved his job. A true geek at heart, he was able to sit at his desk surrounded by gadgets and computers for hours on end. It was a dream come true for him. True, I worried about his health. I was concerned about his hermit-like tendencies. I fumed over the lack of help he gave me with simple household chores. I felt like I was taking care of a 27 year old teenager and it frustrated me often. It went on like that for two years.

I never realized how much my life had begun to revolve around him. I scoffed at that newleywed syndrome so many young couples are plagued with. You know, the ones that cannot stop touching each other; the ones that can't bear to be in separate rooms. Without my permission, my life quietly began to form a cycle. I went to work, took care of children all day, came home, took care of hubby, took care of life (bills, pets, appointments, etc.), took care of my college classes, went to bed. Rinse and repeat.

Hubby's new job involves a lot of driving, mostly overnight. He doesn't drive a truck, but I almost wish he did. He drives around an engineer for hours on end allowing him to work freely on research for cell companies and such. He is contracted which means there are no limits on the amount of work he does. In three days, he earned 44 hours of work, 10 hours  of sleep, and one very lonely and confused wife.

He got the job within two days of losing his previous job. They needed him immediately, so there was never any time to prepare for anything. The first night, I realized my mistake. As he walked out the door, the truth sank in. I was alone. After two years of neverending Hubby, all of a sudden he's gone. If I find a funny video or comment, I can't just call down the hall for him. No more playing games or shared suppers. With his long hours and little sleep, I no longer resent his lack of energy towards housework. I actually feel guilty that more isn't done. Our entire relationship has done a complete 180.

The horrible part of it all is that he truly loves his job. He enjoys driving and he loves the money and the hours. He feels like he is the provider. He is no longer holed up in a tiny bedroom staring at a monitor all day. It is such a good thing for him. I should be happy....

I'm not. I'm alone and miserable. There isn't anyone to constantly demand my attention. The house is just as clean today as it was three days ago. I hate going to bed alone and I can't stand the quiet that has taken over. He was overjoyed tonight when he found out he was going to have to work this weekend. I told him how wonderful it was, to be careful, that I loved him. Then I hung up and cried for an hour. I had been looking forward to finally having a chance to snuggle up with him. I couldn't wait for us to cook together or spend more than a hurried moment at a fast food restaurant.

The true trauma of his lost job finally sank in. The adjustment became real. What was only a temporary solution looks to be less temporary now. Our entire relationship is shifting and this time the hardship is falling on my shoulders while he relishes in his new found freedom and independance. I feel like a silly schoolgirl pining away for a boy I will never have. I have always taken care of us and now he brings me sweet gifts, leaves me loving notes. I feel out of place and without purpose.

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